Looking for a celebrity traitor’s Xmas card? Cards for a friend or family member who takes the round table far too seriously?
I love a traditional Xmas card, but sometimes they just don’t cut it. Sometimes you just want something a little bit different. These cards are for people who absolutely love Celebrity Traitors. So let’s get into it.
The range features Romesh Ranganathan, Maya Jama, Ross Kemp, James Acaster, Michael Sheen, James Blunt, King Kenny, Jerry Hall and Joanne McNally. Here’s a look at the designs—and the friends I’d send them to.
Choosing Celebrity Traitors Christmas cards for your friends or family
Who is their favourite celebrity? Romesh suits the permanently unimpressed. Acaster is the terrible secret keeper. Michael brings the detective work while Jerry supplies the dinner table mischief.
Maya Jama Xmas card — Maya days be merry and bright
For the friend who can talk their way out of absolutely anything, there’s Maya. You know the type. They could eat the last roast potato in front of you and somehow convince you it was your idea.
My illustration puts Maya in a cloak with a glowing lantern. The wording borrows a familiar festive sentiment and gives her name the starring role. Lovely warm wishes. Slightly worrying messenger.
The card reads: “MAYA DAYS BE MERRY AND BRIGHT.”
Shop the Maya Jama Xmas card — Maya days be merry and bright
James Acaster Xmas card — Dear Santa
Santa gets plenty of letters explaining why someone deserves presents. James’s version includes a small disclosure that might complicate the application.
This design shows him writing to Father Christmas. It’s a good choice for your apparently angelic friend whose version of events tends to leave out the interesting bits. Very well behaved, if you don’t ask follow-up questions.
The card reads: “DEAR SANTA, I’VE BEEN GOOD ALL YEAR. APART FROM THE MURDERS.”
Shop the James Acaster Xmas card — Dear Santa
James Acaster Xmas card — Started lying
Keeping a secret is exhausting when your face insists on providing a running commentary. James Acaster wears a Christmas hat in this design, which is for anyone who would crack under questioning about a surprise birthday cake.
The joke squeezes an entire emotional crisis into three short lines. A suitable festive greeting for an Acaster fan, or the mate you would never trust with the location of the hidden presents.
The card reads: “STARTED LYING. HAD A BREAKDOWN. MERRY CHRISTMAS.”
Shop the James Acaster Xmas card — Started lying
Ross Kemp Xmas card
Some people accept that the hotel’s full. Others look as though they’d like a quiet word with the manager. Ross falls very firmly into the second camp.
Here he is in a captain’s hat, riding a donkey into a nativity that probably wasn’t expecting Ross Kemp. Choose this one for an EastEnders fan, a Ross admirer or the friend who always sorts things out by looking mildly furious.
The card reads: “HAPPY XMAS. NO ROOM AT THE INN? TRY TELLING ROSS KEMP.”
Michael Sheen Xmas card — A mince pie and an alibi
If your Christmas plans involve arriving with baked goods and avoiding awkward questions, Michael has the right idea. A mince pie is a welcome contribution. An explanation of your whereabouts might also be useful.
I’ve drawn him wearing a Santa hat and carefully holding the pastry in both hands. Send this one to the amateur detective in your group—or whoever always volunteers to bring the pudding.
The card reads: “HAPPY CHRISTMAS. BRING A MINCE PIE AND AN ALIBI.”
Shop the Michael Sheen Xmas card — A mince pie and an alibi
Michael Sheen Xmas card — Someone’s framed him
Buying presents can be tricky. A portrait of the recipient with a large red X across it is certainly a choice. Michael looks as though he might have a few questions for whoever wrapped this one.
This illustrated Xmas card turns a dodgy gift into a framing joke. It suits a Michael Sheen fan who enjoys a little wordplay alongside the seasonal accusations.
The card reads: “HAPPY CHRISTMAS. MICHAEL CHECKED HIS PRESENTS. SOMEONE’S FRAMED HIM.”
Shop the Michael Sheen Xmas card — Someone’s framed him
James Blunt Xmas card
We all know someone who thinks charm should get them out of trouble. James Blunt’s card gently points out the flaw in that arrangement. Being beautiful doesn’t automatically clear your record.
He’s wearing retro sportswear, with the sort of energy usually reserved for a competitive PE teacher. The wording gives his famous song a festive telling-off. Ideal for someone who needs bringing down a peg—with affection, obviously.
The card reads: “HAPPY CHRISTMAS. YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL BUT YOU’RE STILL ON THE NAUGHTY LIST!”
Shop the James Blunt Xmas card
King Kenny Xmas card
Good King Wenceslas had a fairly generous outlook. Good King Kenny seems to have reviewed that policy and made a few cuts.
This Santa-hatted Kenny design twists the familiar carol into a joke about looking after number one. Pick it for a Kenny or Beta Squad fan, or your most competitive friend. The one who considers Christmas games a selection process.
The card reads: “GOOD KING KENNY LAST LOOKED OUT… FOR ABSOLUTELY NO ONE.”
Jerry Hall Xmas card
Every Christmas dinner has someone who introduces a controversial subject just as everybody settles down to eat. Nobody asked. They’ve been saving it up since November.
Jerry holds a bottle of sherry in one hand and a lipstick up to her face in the other. Send this one to a Jerry Hall fan—or the mate who thinks Christmas lunch starts with a sherry.
The card reads: “LIPSTICK AFTER MIDNIGHT? TRAITOR. SIX SHERRIES BEFORE LUNCH? FAITHFUL.”
Joanne McNally Xmas card
Some friends will defend you whatever happens. It’s a lovely quality, right up until they start defending absolutely everyone else as well.
Joanne holds a substantial naughty list in this design. Apparently the names on it just need someone to put in a good word. This one’s for the loyal friend whose benefit of the doubt comes in industrial quantities.
The card reads: “HAPPY CHRISTMAS. JOANNE’S CHECKED THE NAUGHTY LIST. DEFENDED EVERYONE ON IT.”
Shop the Joanne McNally Xmas card
Romesh Ranganathan Xmas card — Keep the receipt
There’s always someone who opens a puzzle and immediately announces they’ll have it finished in minutes. Then everyone else has Christmas dinner while they’re still looking for the corners. Romesh’s card is for them.
The joke takes his puzzle-solving troubles and turns them into a present with a sensible backup plan. Keep that proof of purchase somewhere safe.
The card reads: “MERRY CHRISTMAS, ROMESH. WE GOT YOU A PUZZLE. KEEP THE RECEIPT.”
Shop the Romesh Ranganathan Xmas card — Keep the receipt
Romesh Ranganathan Xmas card — The naughty list
Perhaps your friend isn’t being difficult. Perhaps that’s just their face. This Romesh design is for the permanently unimpressed person who gets accused of being miserable before they’ve even spoken.
I’ve drawn him in a Santa hat, looking thoroughly unconvinced by the season of goodwill. Send it to someone who treats enforced festive cheer with the suspicion it deserves.
The card reads: “I’M ON THE NAUGHTY LIST. APPARENTLY, LOOKING TIRED IS EVIDENCE.”
Shop the Romesh Ranganathan Xmas card — The naughty list
Celebrity Traitors Xmas cards: sizes, messages and delivery
How much is each card?
Each card is £4 and comes with an envelope. If you want me to write your message inside, that’s included too. You can see the available postage services and prices at checkout.
Can you write and send it straight to someone?
Yes. Choose the option to send your card to a recipient and add your message before ordering. There’s space for up to 250 characters, including your name. Do remember to sign it—anonymous correspondence feels a little too appropriate here.
Enter their address for delivery and use your own billing details and email address. If you’d rather write it yourself, select the blank-inside option and have it posted to you. The illustration and wording on the front stay as shown; those aren’t personalised.
What size and finish are the cards?
My illustrated cards measure approximately 7 × 5 inches, or 17.8 × 12.7cm, and include a brown kraft envelope. They’re printed on 280gsm Fedrigoni card with a glossy finish, using HP Indigo digital printing and water-based inks.
The paper is sustainably sourced. The cards are recyclable and vegan-friendly, with no animal products. Both the cards and packaging are plastic-free, and orders are sent in highly opaque postal envelopes.
Are these printed cards or downloads?
You’re ordering a physical printed card with an envelope. If a digital version would suit you better, get in touch through my contact page and I can arrange one for you.
When will you post my order?
I currently have all the designs in stock and offer same-day posting. Once your order is with Royal Mail, the delivery time depends on your chosen postal service. Dispatch and arrival are different things: I can promise to post your card the same day, but I can’t promise the day it will land on the doormat.
Will it arrive in time for Xmas?
Please order early and check Royal Mail’s latest recommended Christmas posting dates. Leave some breathing room for the festive rush. The delivery estimates aren’t guarantees, and I can’t guarantee arrival before Christmas.
Could you draw another celebrity or a different moment?
Send me your suggestion as early as you can. I may be able to add a design, particularly if the idea makes me laugh. I can’t promise every request will become a card, but I’m always interested in a good bit of nonsense.
A little more festive mischief
That’s my selection of Celebrity Traitors Xmas cards: twelve ways to wish someone well while casting a small amount of doubt on their character. Choose the face they love, the joke that fits, and decide whether you’d like to write the message yourself or leave that bit to me.
I’ve also been bringing some of the illustrations to life on Instagram @itsmesimonok. The animation skills are developing. The enthusiasm was already dangerously high.
View all the Celebrity Traitors Christmas cards.
Written and illustrated by Simon Stratford, type designer, graphic designer and enthusiastic watcher of people being suspicious. Based in Teddington, usually accompanied by coffee.
Shop all 12 Celebrity Traitors Christmas cards
Shop all 12 Celebrity Traitors Christmas cards and find your favourite funny, illustrated Christmas card.