Been watching Celebrity Traitors season two? Fancy sending a Christmas card featuring your favourite celebrity murderer, suspicious Faithful, or someone who’s been lying through their teeth in a green cloak?
I created a collection of funny illustrated Christmas cards you can now download and print at home. No waiting for the postman. No suspicious deliveries, just festive greetings with a distinctively murderous sense of humour.
Funny Christmas Cards Inspired by Celebrity Traitors
I’ve become slightly obsessed with Celebrity Traitors. The accusations, the Round Tables, the increasingly elaborate murders. And watching perfectly respectable celebrities attempt to convince everyone they’re innocent.
Naturally, as a designer, I started drawing Christmas cards.
Each design is an original illustration with a festive joke inspired by one of the contestants. All 11 designs are available as printable digital downloads through Etsy. Click a card image or its download link below to find the matching Etsy listing.
Choose Your Celebrity Traitors Christmas Card
Maya Jama: Maya Days Be Merry and Bright
Maya Jama, a green cloak, a lantern and the kind of confidence that makes the Round Table look like a village fête. Maya’s festive greeting is a little too convincing for comfort.
MAYA DAYS BE MERRY AND BRIGHT.
Download Maya Jama: Maya Days Be Merry and Bright on Etsy
James Acaster: Dear Santa, Apart from the Murders
James wanted to be a Faithful. Instead, he ended up in a green cloak explaining to Father Christmas why a year of good behaviour came with a rather significant exception.
DEAR SANTA, I’VE BEEN GOOD ALL YEAR. APART FROM THE MURDERS.
Download James Acaster: Dear Santa, Apart from the Murders on Etsy
King Kenny: Good King Kenny Last Looked Out
Good King Kenny last looked out… for absolutely no one. The Christmas carol has taken a sharp turn towards the Round Table.
GOOD KING KENNY LAST LOOKED OUT… FOR ABSOLUTELY NO ONE.
Download King Kenny: Good King Kenny Last Looked Out on Etsy
Romesh Ranganathan: Apparently, Looking Tired Is Evidence
Romesh has spent years making exhaustion into an art form. In this version, the look on his face is apparently all the evidence anybody needs.
I’M ON THE NAUGHTY LIST. APPARENTLY, LOOKING TIRED IS EVIDENCE.
Download Romesh Ranganathan: Apparently, Looking Tired Is Evidence on Etsy
Michael Sheen: Someone’s Framed Him
Michael’s opened his presents, and somebody’s framed him. A festive mystery featuring a familiar face and the least helpful gift imaginable.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS. MICHAEL OPENED HIS PRESENTS. SOMEONE’S FRAMED HIM.
Download Michael Sheen: Someone’s Framed Him on Etsy
Michael Sheen: Bring a Mince Pie and an Alibi
What do you bring to a Traitors Christmas party? A mince pie and an alibi. Preferably one that survives cross-examination.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS. BRING A MINCE PIE AND AN ALIBI.
Download Michael Sheen: Bring a Mince Pie and an Alibi on Etsy
Ross Kemp: No Room at the Inn?
A donkey, a captain’s hat and Ross Kemp investigating a particularly hostile Christmas accommodation situation. Bethlehem had no idea what it was letting itself in for.
HAPPY XMAS. NO ROOM AT THE INN? TRY TELLING ROSS KEMP!
Download Ross Kemp: No Room at the Inn? on Etsy
Joanne McNally: Joanne’s Checked the Naughty List
Joanne’s checked the naughty list and defended everyone on it. Someone had to represent the accused, even at Christmas.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS. JOANNE’S CHECKED THE NAUGHTY LIST. DEFENDED EVERYONE ON IT.
Download Joanne McNally: Joanne’s Checked the Naughty List on Etsy
James Blunt: You’re Beautiful, But Still Naughty
A tracksuit, impeccable undercover credentials and a reminder that being beautiful does not automatically get you off the naughty list.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS. YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL BUT YOU’RE STILL ON THE NAUGHTY LIST!
Download James Blunt: You’re Beautiful, But Still Naughty on Etsy
Jerry Hall: Lipstick and Sherry
Lipstick, sherry and some wonderfully questionable detective work. Jerry Hall’s festive greeting is for the friend who takes Christmas lunch rather seriously.
LIPSTICK AFTER MIDNIGHT? TRAITOR. SIX SHERRIES BEFORE LUNCH? FAITHFUL.
Download Jerry Hall: Lipstick and Sherry on Etsy
James Acaster: Started Lying. Had a Breakdown.
A seasonal greeting from James, who discovered that deception is rather more stressful than it looks from the sofa.
STARTED LYING. HAD A BREAKDOWN. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Download James Acaster: Started Lying. Had a Breakdown. on Etsy
How Much Does a Printable Christmas Card Cost?
The Maya Jama and James Acaster downloads currently have a base Etsy shop price of £1.66 each. Etsy displays the final amount to the buyer, including applicable digital VAT, so always check the price shown at checkout.
A digital download removes shipping charges and makes last-minute Christmas-card emergencies rather less dramatic. But you'll still need to supply paper, printer ink and an envelope.
| What you're paying for | Printable Etsy card | Physical printed card |
|---|---|---|
| Artwork or card | Price shown on Etsy | £4 base card price |
| Printing | You print at home or at a print shop | Professionally printed |
| Envelope | Supply your own | Included |
| Delivery | Instant digital access after payment confirmation | Postage at checkout |
If you're printing only one card and have to buy a whole packet of cardstock, a physical card may actually be better value. If you already have a printer and need a card in a hurry, the digital version is rather handy.
What Do You Receive?
All the digital versions follow the same print-at-home format. You'll receive a downloadable ZIP containing printable JPEG artwork designed for a folded 7 × 5-inch (17.8 × 12.7 cm) portrait greeting card, blank inside for your own message. The established layout is 3000 × 2100 pixels.
No physical card or envelope will be posted. You provide the paper, printer ink, scissors or paper trimmer, and an envelope.
How to Print Your Christmas Card at Home
- Download. Purchase the design on Etsy and download the ZIP file from your purchases page once payment is confirmed.
- Extract. Open the ZIP and locate the JPEG artwork. On an iPhone or iPad, use the Files app.
- Print. Select A4 landscape, set the scale to Actual Size / 100%, and print on suitable white cardstock. Always check the print preview.
- Trim and fold. Cut along the outside of the design and fold down the centre, keeping the illustration on the front.
- Write and send. Add your message inside, pop it in an envelope and send it to someone you trust. Preferably a Faithful.
For a clean fold, crease the card with a ruler or bone folder. Check your printer's supported cardstock weight first; colours and print margins vary between printers.
Frequently Asked Questions About Printable Christmas Cards
Can I download it immediately?
Yes, once Etsy confirms your payment. Some payment reviews can take a little longer.
Can I use an iPhone or iPad?
Yes. Open Etsy in Safari to download your purchase, then extract the ZIP in the Files app. Etsy digital downloads cannot currently be downloaded in the Etsy mobile app.
What exactly will I receive?
A ZIP containing the printable Christmas card artwork. All designs use the same print-at-home layout; the illustration and wording change from card to card.
Do I need a special printer?
A standard home printer can work. Use cardstock that your printer supports, check A4 landscape and select 100% or Actual Size.
What size will it be?
The layout is intended to fold into a 7 × 5-inch portrait card, approximately 17.8 × 12.7 cm.
Is an envelope included?
No. This is a digital download, so you provide the cardstock, ink and envelope yourself.
Can I print several copies?
The artwork is for personal use. Follow the terms in the individual Etsy listing; commercial reproduction, resale and redistribution are not permitted.
Can I edit the words or artwork?
The printed design is fixed, but the inside is blank for your own handwritten message.
What if my download does not work?
Check your Etsy purchases in a browser and extract the ZIP before printing. If there is a problem with the file, message the seller through Etsy.
Are refunds available?
Digital goods generally are not returned like physical cards. If a file is faulty, missing or incorrectly described, contact the seller; your statutory rights still apply.
Are These Official Celebrity Traitors Cards?
No. These are independently created, unofficial fan illustrations inspired by the programme and its celebrities. They are not affiliated with or endorsed by the BBC, The Traitors or the people depicted.
I make them because I love typography, drawing, comedy and apparently watching people accuse one another of murder while sitting around an enormous table.
Where Can I Buy Them?
All 11 designs are available as printable digital downloads. Use the individual card links above, or browse my Itsmesimon Etsy shop.
Prefer a printed card and an envelope? Browse my physical Celebrity Traitors Christmas cards.
Whether you print your own or buy one ready-made, there's something wonderfully satisfying about sending a Christmas greeting that gets a laugh before it's even opened.
Just remember: trust nobody. Especially the person who claims they haven't eaten the last mince pie.
I'm Simon Stratford, an independent type designer, graphic designer and illustrator based in the UK. I've spent over 20 years creating typefaces, artwork and other things that probably seemed sensible at the time.